They’re Plotting Against Me

plotting thumbnail Theyre Plotting Against Me

Today marks the first day of being the third day we’ve been in our new apartment.  This apartment has a lot of things to offer and a lot of things that the maintenance guy is fixing right now.  He left a hamster in our bathroom after unclogging the drain and we named her Nausea.  Side note, he asked my roommate and I if there was someone over eighteen in the household.  The night before I bought a highly alcoholic “must-be-over-21” bottle of wine and was not ID’d once.  I didn’t even see a glimmer in her eye that said “I might ID this girl who could be 23 but also might be under 21.”  That had me walking out of the store feeling like a crusty old submarine topped with barnacles topped with smaller barnacles. 

 

IMG 7068 Theyre Plotting Against Me

This is Nausea. Shhh! She’s sleeping 🙂

So hearing today that I had the appearance and demeanor of a zygote gave me a feeling of youth I so desperately needed. I don’t tend to outline my blogs as you will now politely refute because they are just so well written, so I just got sidetracked by something else.  My roommates just walked to the kitchen and I’m on the porch and we aren’t even talking to each other.  In my old apartment it would have been rude not to because if you’re in the kitchen and I’m on the porch we are still essentially in or on each other.  Alright let’s get back on track.  Little Hannah tidbit of the day, if you never had a track to begin with, you can get back on any track you want and I’m choosing the track of chaotic structureless writing.  Alright so I told you all you need to know about the apartment which is that it is bigger than the last one but now it’s time for the neighborhood. 

The first good part about the neighborhood is that I am convinced there is a community serial killer.  Heavy accusation, I know.  But hear me out.  There’s an ice cream truck.  The ice cream truck has music.  What kind of sick fuck drives around a child-attracting vehicle with music you hear in every maze at the Queen Mary’s Dark Harbor and isn’t Pennywise?  Name one person.  You can’t.  I also have a theory that the entire town is in on it and are being overly-nice to lure me in.  Why do you say that Hannah?  Glad you asked.  I went to McDonald’s with the roommate at 10:00pm and everyone was as nice as if they weren’t working at McDonald’s at 10:00pm.  Then later I go to CVS and the cashier is chatting away with the people in front of me.  What in the world, in their four and half second interaction, did they find in common?  Perhaps they bonded over both being humans.  Or maybe they were a similar gender.  I don’t know.  But what I do know is that we do not need to talk to each other as if we love each other because for all I know, you could be in cahoots with pennywise. 

Then I go to the cash register and he asks me what my plans are for the weekend. Immediately I panic.  If I say anything he could find out where I live, what I do for a living, and that I’m actually a four-eyed gorilla dressed up as a 23 year old woman.  So I say “Not sure, you?”  Genius but total lie.  I’m going to a party and I’m dressing up as a mouse.  He said he had a party too.  I did not care at all unfortunately so I stared at him with two of my eyes and waited for him to bag my newly-purchased belongings.  As he does I can feel him discovering my social security number and where my family lives so I change the subject from awkward silence to “Wow this is a massive CVS.”  He says “It’s actually pretty small compared to…” *clenched teeth* “I said this is a massive cvs.”  I lick the blood off my teeth, grab my bag and leave.  At this point I’m certain the town is evil. 

I went on a jog and there were mothers walking their children and moving aside for me.  Probably making room for me to fall into a unusually-placed sewer.  I’ll keep you guys up to date but I just know there is a dark, sinister secret here. 

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