I’m teaching you how to survive a bear attack. (I like to use ambiguous titles to keep the flow of creativity between you and me.) I learned all of what you are about to read by compiling information from the Internet. So obviously it’s all accurate. I really need you to stick with me here because any misstep could lead to your disembowelment, or worse, your embarrassment.
The first step, is to avoid a bear encounter. This is wise advice but if your encounter with the blood thirsty ass hole happened to be accidental, take this next step.
Identify the bear. This is important because like serial killers, terrorists, and arsonists, different bears have different styles of wreaking havoc. So let me list out the bears for you: black, brown, sloth, and polar. One might try to identify these bears simply by color, or by geography. If you thought that, go crawl back into your pit of shame, never look out, and give up on life, because you’ve embarrassed yourself, your family, and your nation. To properly identify the bears you must calculate its weight and/or its length. To do this, look the bear directly in the eye and politely, but firmly, ask it to step on to the scale that you have brought with you. This will not always work because many bears are self conscious about their weight. However, if you can have an open discussion with the bear and make it known that you are not here to judge him, you can sometimes convince him to comply. If you can’t do this, you are going to have to measure its height with the tape measure in your back right pocket instead. Ask it to stand on its hind legs, grab the stool located in your back left pocket, and measure the bear from head to toe. I’m not your caretaker and thus don’t see the need to provide you with the body statistics of each bear. Lift a goddamn finger, and look it up for yourself. Although I don’t believe in spoon-feeding you, I do have two other short cuts to identify the bear; if you are not in Antarctica it’s probably not a polar bear and if it doesn’t look like Ozzy Osbourne, it’s probably not a sloth bear. As for the other types of bears, use the measurement strategy.
The next step is to determine what the the bear wants. Are you in the way of food that it wants to eat? Are you standing on top of its freshly slaughtered cub? If yes to either of these, apologize and back off slowly. If for some reason the bear is unforgiving of you standing on its child’s corpse, move on to the next step.
As much as you try to reason with the bear, you have failed and you must intimidate it. Make yourself appear larger than him. If the 1500 pound grizzly bear does not feel intimidated by your quivering skeleton however, you have one last option: playing dead.
Playing dead is not always easy but it can be done if you carefully follow these steps. Drop to the ground in front of the bear. Then, temporarily disable your respiratory and cardiovascular system so that the bear has no doubt that you are dead. Do not under any circumstances blow your cover. If you restart your heartbeat while your head is lodged in its esophagus, you will give yourself away. Also make sure that you stay calm as you slide down its throat. Any sudden movement may cause the bear to chip your jugular with its tooth. You may bleed out slowly and painfully as you wonder about the afterlife and all the mistakes you have ever made. So staying calm and peaceful is vital.
Many people have survived the journey from the mouth to the rectum of a bear with only minor injuries. If you panic inside of its stomach, its rectum will close up and you will not pass through with elegance. If you stay calm, the bear will relax, and you will pass through quickly with the lubrication of the bear’s diarrhea.
Being eaten by a bear can be an uncomfortable experience, so even after you have survived, it is crucial that you get the therapy you need. Many mental health professionals are trained in treating PTSD of this sort. Just know that although it can cause embarrassment and pain, passing through the digestive track of a bear is not the end of your life. You can still live a happy and fulfilling life and learn to love bears again.