Hey guys, Senator Hannah here representing myself to come speak about the inspiring President Donald J. Trump’s inaugural address. Or shall I say Donald Jabir Trump, assuming his middle name is Arabic for “comforter.” But you know what happens when you assume? It makes an Ass out of Ume, the Japanese word for plum. How do I know this all? Because I constantly feed myself a little thing called “Innphormachun” from a little known nonpartisan source called Fox News. So to keep inphormed, it’s important to watch Jabir’s speech in its entirety and soak up all its glory. Now as President Trump said in his speech, we share one heart. I share your heart and you share mine. And both of us share the abnormal blood fat pumping through his
black hole heart. So what this means, is that I am open to all opinions and believe they are all as valuable as women are to D. Trump.
The address started off with a kickass introduction by Roy Blunt who said it was “such a great honor to introduce for the first time ever anywhere, the 45th president of the United States of America.” And what an honor it is. I sat there, mouth agape, just pondering how in the world there has only been one 45th president in this country. And even more crazy, he was the only 45th president of the United States anywhere. I found it hard to believe so I did the research and came back humbled by his sheer brilliance. He was absolutely right. I checked England. Nope. Never had a 45th president of the United States there. Bangladesh? Not them either. Israel? Came up dry. My mind was blown into a thousand pieces so I took a paper towel to wipe all the extra cerebrospinal fluid off my computer screen. As I did so I saw the most beautiful image ever; the overweight carrot from the Phantom of the Opera’s skin folds walking over to the podium to give his address.
He reminded us constantly how he is here for the American Citizens. “The forgotten men and women of our country will be forgotten no longer.” I freaked out for a second when he said this because it made me think he would remember refugees, undocumented immigrants, and their children. Obviously we can’t have that because how can I be happy when another person who was born a foot beyond American borders is also happy? They are taking all our jobs. They are taking them to China. CHI…NUH. That is where they are going. I was wondering where my job went! I just showed up one day and it was gone. There was a dark abyss where my job used to be. So I dialed 1-800-CHI-NUH and they said, yes Hannah, your job is here. I FLIPPED OUT. That’s when I first realized Dr. Trump was correct in his assessment of the value of foreign-born people.
He then said that everyone is listening to us now. I smiled and winked at him through the screen. I know he saw it because he mouthed “nice p****y. Can I grab it?” So now that I know he’s listening, I appreciate him even more. He is giving the power back to us. Except for protesting of course. We don’t have that power. But we do have the power to idly sit by and have our rights stripped away like Mike Pence strips away Donald’s clothes to give him his weekly sponge bath.
Now back to the beginning when I explained to you that Donald’s middle name means “comforter.” He provided comfort to me, a girl who uses the Bible as a pillow and wears an “I Heart God” shirt under her clothes every day when he said that God would protect us all. Thank God, is all I can say. Am I right? You can call me Mother Hanz because I ain’t taking NUN of your secular bullshit. At first I had this idiotic idea that Trump was the one America should count on. But I realized the president isn’t that important because all we need is the man upstairs. And that isn’t him because walking up stairs would be unsafe for his clogged arteries.
Anyways, point is, I cannot wait to be ruled by a racist ball of clotted marinara sauce. And I cannot wait to live in a world where I’m one of the few of my friends who doesn’t have to fear because I’m the bran muffin of human existence: a straight, white, American born, half-female, goddess.