I took up a hike again the other day and continued my journey to inner fucking peace. There’s nothing like a 90 degree exercise routine both angle-wise and temperature-wise. I give myself a very simple goal of running for five minutes but I forgot I can’t defy gravity and run perpendicular to the Earth. So that expedition ends shortly. As my chest fractures from severe cardiac arrest I sit down on a rock to think about who I am and why people still believe in evolution. But then I hear a rustle from my left, right, top, and bottom. Naturally I assume it’s a pack of coyotes coming to eat my body with its lack of breast meat. There’s nothing a wild animal loves more than finally trapping its prey and biting down to chip a tooth on bone where ass should be. As it turns out, no one is trying to eat me at this particular moment and I’m just being paranoid. Actually, I’m not being paranoid because I ask the boulder next to me and he says “You’ll die in seven days, but no you’re not being paranoid.”
I continue on my asthmatic way trying to run but stopping every time I come to the conclusion that running isn’t for everyone. As I saunter through mother nature’s digestive tract I notice the landscape changing from desert, to corn fields, to hell fire, and finally to lush forest. The lush forest appeals to me the most so I stop. I stare. I realize I’ve gone brain dead so I dig under some leaves, grab a defibrillator, and bring myself back to life. I’m still sitting there thinking how sad it is they teach evolution in schools when a fly buzzes in my face. “Buzz” he says. I swat the bastard, forgive him, and keep staring. “One time my mom tried to fly across the room to get a bowl of popcorn but she fell. If evolution exists, wouldn’t I be able to take flight myself? ” – I think aloud. Suddenly another fly says “Buzz” but with a condescending tone. At this point, I’m fed up. I say “Buzz your goddamn self you dimwitted son of a bitch.” One last time I try to find peace by sitting and thinking. “My sister still cannot swallow a snake and digest it with the whole thing still intact. Sounds like just another example of how we haven’t evolved.” Mid-thought another bee says “Buzz, you piece of shit.” That’s it. I jump up and slap it across the face. I say “How dare you. How dare you.” But then I think more. This time not about evolution. I think about a book I’m reading called…well I accidentally ripped the front cover off so I forgot the title. But it’s a book about the history of the United States.
It’s 678 pages long but if I were to sum up the first 500 I’d say that “White people took over every state, country, and planet. Then they conveniently forgot about it when facing the fact didn’t fit their agenda.” I say white people because of another book I read and also every historical piece since the day I was born. This is not to say that white people are evil but just that they came into other people’s homes and made life so awful that native-born human beings were forced out. In the case of the flies, I realize as I’m writing, there are no similarities. I literally just figured this out in that last sentence. Because in this case, I’m a colonist and I’ve been so bothered by the natives (the flies) that I was forced out. But a way that this would have better fit my story was if I arrived, acted badly, and forced them out.
Here I sit, depressed that there were actually no parallels in my metaphor because I didn’t think it through before writing this blog. God bless America.