I have a confession to make that I encourage you not to judge me for. I think Donald Trump is attractive, physically and otherwise. I know that gets a weird reaction because you think a nepotistic sociopath with the intelligence of a brain-damaged cereal box should make the jaw-dropping dead squirrel on his head less arousing to me. But guess again because something about his out of control antics and apathy towards human rights really gets my hormones in a tizzy. It dawned on me, if he fires anyone that defies him, I’ll never have to worry about mischievous kids when I have my sultry tyrannical goiter around. If little Bartholomew eats an extra goldfish I don’t have anything to stress about. My parasite infested pumpkin will drop kick that child right out of the house. And no worries because he can pay for the hole in the ceiling with the money he gets from donating his massive penis to the Reykjavik penis museum.
Speaking of his physical traits I don’t think I need to point out that his body is as solid as his mind is functional. And of course we all love a man with a temper. Right ladies? Yes, it might be a little scary to find that a missile has been launched into the shower when you take too long but you’re just a woman and not even a ten! But the Donsternator is at least a ten, if not higher. He’s obstructed justice ten or more times. He’s publicly insulted ten or more races ten or more times. And he has ten rolls of orange flesh before you can find the moldy Taco Bell lunch he ate to prove he respects Mexicans. I don’t know about you but I love a man that makes me feel like the world is in a constant state of emergency. Being married to him would be the best way to get out of any unwanted dinner parties with your neighbors Glen and Fred. Just kidding of course because homosexuality is a myth perpetrated by the prehistoric short-faced bear.
But let’s say your less sinful neighbors Glen and Penelope invite you over. Flabby-rumped Trump can just open his mouth and offend anyone within a mile in every direction.
“Hey President Trump how are you?” -Penelope
“I’m great you aggressive skank! How’s your period that you’re obviously on right now?” -Potus
“Hey that seemed a little rude.” -Glenn
“That you called my wife an aggressive skank.” -Glenn
“I never said that.” -Potus
“You literally just sa…” -Glenn
“No I didn’t. You can’t prove that.” -Potus
*Pulls out tape recorder and plays it back* -Glenn
“Fake news. FAKE FUCKING NEWS.” -Potus
Now that you’ve gotten rid of your irritating neighbors ,Tangerine Trump can start building your dream home. There will be so many layers of walls that you’ll evolve into a contortionist in order to fit in the tiny space you have left. So you’ll be flexible and safe from all the blood sucking peasants lurking in your front yard. And trust me, the only thing more dangerous than an immigrant is an erratic dictator with access to code-word information. But thankfully that’s not a part of your life!
So yes, maybe it’s an unpopular opinion. But the excitement this oversized spherical carrot can bring to your life is worth all the instability in the world. I used to be afraid to admit how I yearn for his microscope hands running through my hair as I lay on his chest listening to the faint sound of his heart buried under massive quantities of breast fat. But I love him and we all should.