Hello fellow nature-lovers. It is I, Hannah Willow Tree of Vegan Bran Muffin Avenue. Today I made a choice to stop running in Hollywood with its my streetlights and car emissions and honking sexual harassers. And I took it to the trees with just me, enough rice and beans to last a week, and a loin cloth. And my car and purse with money and my cellphone and my wireless headphones. But that’s it. I then started to lightly run at 48 miles per hour listening to Katy Perry when I realize, I don’t need to hear “Swish Swish Swish” penetrating my brain when I can listen to the most beautiful music of all; children screaming and lizards eating themselves alive. So I took out those earphones and started to run with the grace of an upscale gazelle. As I’m leaping over fallen trees and unconscious joggers I realize that I have a sharp pain in my ribs and my uterus and every part of my body so I cease running.
I then decide that I should try to be one with nature because some scientist said that you should do that probably because it lowers your blood pressure I think and you connect to mother nature on a spiritual level but not a physical level because that destroys the Earth. So I do just that. I look out silently at the beautiful smog-covered landscape. I breathe in deeply, close my eyes, and inhale mother nature’s flatulence into every pore of my body. I feel such bliss and peace when a malevolent flying mammoth shoots into my ear hole with the force of a hundred whales. It could have been a gnat. As I’m whipping around with Willow Smith-intensity I feel it exit a different hole, of which I am not comfortable divulging at this point in time.
So the monster is out of me and I decide to give this forest another chance. I venture off the trail onto another trail that might not have been a trail. I walk through thinking about all of the places I could poop if I wanted to. I find a perfect spot and sit down. I look around at the same plant in every direction thinking how amazing and diverse nature really is. The longer I’m there the more I feel myself fusing to this new habitat and eventually I cannot tell where my bottom ends and the ground begins. I feel a warmth that I’ve never felt before. It takes few minutes before I realize I’m getting sucked into Hell so I quickly scramble to disconnect my butt from the ground.
I walk back to the trail and then walk on the trail, giving the trail its full purpose in life. Everything is calm, quiet, and loud as something slithers next to me. It’s a lizard with a disproportionate tail. I do not judge it because I too have an abnormally long tail. But I watch it with the curiosity of a thousand curious people. It sees me and we understand each other. I say “Hello Lizard. Hello.” He says “Fuck off.” So I leave.
I walk past a guy asking where he was and I comforted him by telling him I had no clue. I honestly just blacked out and ended up here. He smiles and we depart. I roll my eyes at the trivial interaction and condemn him to a life of misery as I adorably skip back to my car. When I get there I drive it. Because that felt right to do. I then see a coyote and I take a picture of it. Then I instagram it. Then the story ends because I can’t think of a way to end this smoothly.