Over the years I’ve managed to keep it under 400 pounds, so to say I’m anything short of nutritional genius would be a mistake. I thought I’d share my pearls of wisdom with you so that you too can look prepubescent at the age of twenty one. Face it, you must be sick of people knowing that you eat. It’s embarrassing. As we all know from social media, the human woman should be composed of one part skin to one part bone. The occasional organ is sometimes acceptable if it can fit into your 00 pants. Sure you can use the old strategies of keeping a balanced diet and exercising, but is that really working for you? Turn around and look in that full length mirror. See that inside out elephant eating fecal matter? That’s you eating a burger. Put it down, smack yourself in the face, and let’s get started.
The first quick trick that I use is called the weekday food-abstainer. I’m sure you’ve heard of the weekday vegetarian. Many use it as a first step toward cutting out meat. They allow themselves to eat meat only on the weekend. To stay slim you can use this exact same tactic. Steer clear of food Monday through Friday and then on weekends you can cheat. You may feel a little nauseous since your stomach won’t be used to food. But trust me, you will drop those last three unwanted percentages of body fat. The goal is to eventually work up to abstaining every day of the week. People might try to tell you that this is too extreme but do you think Albert Einstein listened to Sacagawea when she told him he’d never step foot on the moon?
The next method is called aversion therapy. You present someone with a desirable stimulus and then immediately follow it with an undesirable one. For example, allow a child to speak out of turn in class. Immediately after, throw their best friend out the window and make them watch the paramedics clean it up. Do you think that kid is going to speak out of turn again? In terms of our situation, this is what I do. I keep a little packet of gum with me at all times. But instead of putting gum in the foil, I put little shards of glass in it. So, say I’m out with my girlfriends and I find myself eating a french fry. Well, I stay calm and take out one of the pieces. I chew it in front of my girlfriends. The combination of the taste of blood, with the looks of horror and disapproval from my friends is enough to keep me away from french fries forever! You may lose a friend or two in the process but HEY. . . that was just extra weight. BA DUM TSS.
My last strategy is only if you just don’t have as much willpower as the average worthwhile human being has. This is if literally all else fails and you feel that you must eat something. First of all, shame on you. But I want to help you as best as I can. So you tried eating glass or abstaining completely but for some reason your bodily systems are convincing you that they need fuel to work. Well, take a lettuce leaf and leave it out over night. Bring it back in the next morning and vaporize the dew from the leaves. You’ll be taking in the fat from the lettuce leaves while also quenching your thirst. This should tide you over until next weekend.
Love handles and cellulite are the leading cause of war in America. You can help put a stop to this madness with my three simple tricks. I think it was Gandhi who said “be the change you wish to see in the way you look on the surface.” Follow his advice and work on what truly matters.