How to Multitask

pocket watch 300x225 How to Multitask Schiel

Yesterday I was getting a cavity filled and as I was sitting there wondering what part of my body the  numbing javelin was going to exit, I began to think of new ways to save time.  I started thinking of all the things I should have been doing while the dentist drilled holes in my body and my teeth.  I could have written a novel or cooked a pot roast but instead I just sat there.  So to help you multitask I came up with a few ideas. But don’t stop in the middle of your run just to read this because you should always be multitasking.

One thing that people always complain about is how they never have enough time in the morning. You get up, go to the sink, brush your teeth and…NO STOP. You’ve already messed up. Don’t stop at the sink. Grab the toothbrush on the way to the toilet, take a seat and do what you were born to do. Your mouth and toilet parts are completely separate which is the key to multitasking. Now you’ve gotten two things out of the way. Run quickly to your room but pick up your razor on the way and start dressing as you shave your legs. “Isn’t this dangerous Hannah?”  What’s dangerous is having leg hair that you could trip or choke on. Use your head you brain dead piece of shit.

So you find you didn’t quite have time to eat or do your makeup at home. Skimping on breakfast wouldn’t really hurt anyone and might even stop the pain your scale feels every day. But not wearing makeup could blind anyone within eleven galaxies of you. If you passed your driving test after only four times as I did, you can sure as hell put on a little mascara, eyeliner, foundation, concealer, blush, lip-liner, lipstick, lip gloss, eye shadow, and bronzer as you drive. I know you need to use your right leg and arm but what about your left leg and arm?  If you aren’t doing your makeup I’d recommend just amputating those because they aren’t serving a purpose.  Put mascara in your left hand, lipstick in your left foot and start making that face less abhorrent.

Another time saver that I have applies to people with demanding jobs. Here’s an example. Are you a surgeon? Probably.  Most people are. I know I love to perform the occasional basement operation with the gal pals.  But I am so sick of seeing surgeons waste their time. They fix broken bones, remove tumors, and suture gashes with nothing else to show for themselves. Surgery can get so scientific so why not explore your creative side?  Paint a portrait of the operating nurse with the colorful fluids of the human body. Or perhaps sew a sweater from the intestinal lining of your patient to give to a loved one for Christmas.  But for the love of God do not do nothing.

Now I hope you learned from this blog post that time is running out.  If you weren’t training a dolphin or conducting a eulogy as you read this then you have a lot to learn from me.  You should probably re-read this fifteen more times and then bathe in it and then read it again and then lick it and love it.

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