Have you ever thought during finals week, “Gee! I’d rather skin myself alive and hang my decaying body from a flag pole for all my loved ones to watch, than study for this exam.”? If so, I’m here to help. With just a few simple life hacks you can turn that suicidal frown upside down into a smile so unsettlingly wide that no one lets you babysit their kids. So without further aideu <—first attempt…. eideu? A-doo…okay I’m googling it…adieu. That was a lot more aideu than I had originally planned for and now I’m still talking about adieu so really NOW without further aideu…no I’m just kidding adieu…here we go.
If you’re anything like me you get stressed about papers and tests and Donald Trump. So sometimes what helps me is exercise. Specifically, picking up a half marathon training program during finals week. Nothing says relaxation like knowing today you need to run eight miles and study 90 court cases before your adhd medication wears off so much that you’re jumping from the roof of one building to the next yelling “penis” at the top of your lungs because you think it’s funny. If this doesn’t necessarily fit your schedule you can tone it down but less than eight miles a day isn’t really even exercise at all. Good luck being fat and stressed now.
This next tip correlates with the one above. Since you’re now up to eight miles a day you’re going to have to be selective. After weighing the options carefully you’ll realize that sleep has gotta go. Scientists are finding increasing evidence that caffeine can replace REM sleep. Fourteen cups of coffee a day keep the doctors away! Maybe not the paramedics all together but you’ll be manic enough that you won’t think to see a regular doctor anymore. Coffee is a stimulant and stimulants keep you focused. Now of course I’m not crazy thinking that everyone should drink fourteen cups of coffee in the morning because it all depends on your size. If you are 5’2 and 105 pounds obviously fourteen cups of coffee is insane. At that size you’ll need at least 28. So we all vary and it can have different effects on our bodies. If after cup number 18 you feel your heart shift out of place a bit, don’t worry. Just slowly massage it from your shoulder back into your chest and ask a close pal to grab the nearest defibrillator.
This is the final step and possibly the most important. It varies from professor to professor and class to class. This piece of advice is to make sure that you suck up to your professor. Not everyone realizes this, but professors are usually people too. This means that like you, they have their likes and dislikes. One of their dislikes is probably you and when you dislike something, you fail it. You need to turn this around right now. I’ll give you some examples. Do you have that teacher who is extremely passionate about what they teach? Say it’s a math professor who just cannot get enough of factorials. I mean don’t even get him started with obtuse angles unless you have viagra around. So perfect, you know what he likes. Show up the day of exams wearing nothing but a protractor and a compass sticking out from each nipple. Then seduce him with a sexy math joke and watch him give you a D. It’s not gonna happen. Not all professors are like this so make sure you know how to approach each one individually. You wouldn’t want to embarrass yourself!
Anyways, as we all know, finals week can be stressful. But suck it up and stop acting like an orphaned puppy. Take charge of your own life and do what you must do! But my tips are what you must do. Good day and good luck.