If you’re reading this post, it’s probably because you have searched high and low for meaning in your life after your break up. After all, your second half is missing. And now you’re just a worthless slab of meat split down the middle. Obviously you can’t live like this because walking with one leg is difficult and playing the clarinet with one arm and half a mouth is just embarrassing. Despite the fact that nowadays supermodels look like cadavers, you simply are not pulling off the look and it’s time to find your true self again. So first off, keep your chin up because your slouching is making you unspeakably hideous to those around you. But also keep your metaphorical chin up and follow these three steps for getting over a break up. I happen to be a female so the way I write may not seem like it’s directed towards men but they too can use the exact same techniques. Let’s learn with that half a brain you still have left!
The first step to truly getting over a break up is to revamp your look. During your breakup your boo thang decided that he wanted you to have a certain look. He may have told you to stop putting things in your mouth (that add calories) or to show a little more skin. Of course to be a good boyfriend or girlfriend you have to do these things. So naturally you decreased your calorie intake to 500 a day and waxed parts of your body you only found out you had once you started dating. But now it’s time to look the way you want to look. Eat that Twinkie and leave that leg unshaven. If you want to look like a woolly mammoth then look like a damn woolly mammoth.
The next step to getting over a break up is to find a rebound. You might be thinking that after a breakup is a good time to improve upon yourself without a puppeteer’s hand in your colon controlling your every move. You’re wrong. This is your time to freak out and latch on to another person before you have the chance to feel alone again. Often the type of person you want to take home to mom and dad is someone who has some creepy desire to get to know you before he commits to being with you. You don’t have this kind of time. Go on Craigslist. Or pay for someone to love you. Both are fulfilling options so it’s a win win situation. But you will get nowhere if you chose to go the single route.
The last option we have here is what I like to call documenting. Some call it stalking but that’s unfair. All you are going to do is implant a microchip under his shoulder. Then follow him everywhere he goes and stop anything from happening to him that you don’t want to happen. Get on your best tree costume and wait in his backyard. When he brings a girl home, light his house on fire. It sounds worse than it is. But you’re just showing your burning love for him. HA! Arson humor always gets me. If you feel uncomfortable about performing surgery on him as you would need to do in the microchip situation, you can go the old-fashioned route. This would involve following his every move on social media. There’s no pick-me-up quite like going through pictures of him happy with his new unicorn stripper girlfriend while you sit at home clogging your arteries with peanut-butter stuffed hamburger candy bars topped with chunks of lard as you sip your vanilla grease milkshake!
Anyways, it’s about time you suck it up. If you have other ways of getting over a break up I understand that we all recover differently. But chances are, you’re dead wrong and your life will suck and you’ll never be whole again.