From my past two blogs you can probably tell that I’m something of a Martha Stewart figure. I taught you how to survive a bear attack, how to stay slim, and now I’m gonna teach you how to be smart with money. Are you sick of people dropping their leftover change in the glass that you’re just trying to drink out of? Are you tired of people dropping you off at the cardboard box on the curb instead of the house behind it? Well I am. I remember what it felt like when the homeless envied me. I used to get paychecks that were upwards of $70 a month. I since quit my job to focus on school and when you come down from that kind of wealth it can be devastating. But I haven’t given up. With three simple tricks you can treat Bill Gates to lunch at his favorite restaurant if it’s Olive Garden. Just as a disclaimer these tricks are more relevant to a college lifestyle but with a few tweaks the old and decrepit can benefit too.
The first little trick up my sleeve is called smuggling; a word I came up with. A few Thanksgivings ago, my family and I went to a food shelter where we packaged up food and put it in boxes. The boxes would be taken somewhere to give to the poor or homeless. But you’re hungry now. Why go to that “somewhere?” You don’t need to waste your time. Grab the closest can of soup and put it in your bra. Snag that package of hot dog and put it in your pants. When you’re stea…rightfully taking food, you’ll discover the many bodily crevices meant to hide food.
The next trick is something you may be familiar with. So you’re at a frat party, and a guy starts hitting on you. You don’t really understand why because your hair is somehow standing up by itself, you have lipstick on your ankles, and you’re covered in sweat that probably isn’t even human let alone yours. Irregardless, this guy has had enough alcohol to ignore the fact that you look like butchered meat and wants to come over. (Note: I am not condoning anything that is not consensual.) But you know this guy super well. He sat 8 rows behind you in that 700 person lecture freshman year and you made eye contact with him three and half times. So you’re back at your apartment. He wants to engage in sexual intercourse and has even stated it exactly this way because he’s kla$$y. You say “sure” but that’ll be $29.99 and there’s tax. But Hannah, isn’t that prostitution? Shut up no one asked you. You have your money and you run out before he has a chance to ask you your name. Now you have $29.99, a penny from tax, and a bunch of soup. It’s only now just occurring to me that you’re running out of your own house. But give it enough time. He’ll leave.
This next one might not be ethical like the last two, but times are desperate. You’re out at the bar with your best friend and although we established alcohol is the best way to spend your money, funds are low. You look in your wallet and see a twenty but ignore that. Tell your friend Teresa that you totally forgot money so you guess you’ll just have to skip this round. Well that’s not gonna work for Teresa because she can’t just drink by herself. So she says she’ll get this round. You thank Teresa and assure her that because you two are so close, you know it’ll all balance out eventually. Do this the next thirty times and then buy Teresa one six dollar bottle of rum. Little does she know that she spent more on one drink at the bar for you than you spent on the whole bottle. But you bought her a whole bottle. Teresa owes you for at least the next month.
I know not all of these methods are conventional but if you were looking to be a waitress or something, your lack of creativity disgusts me and I’m gonna have to ask you to leave. So do yourself a favor and try these out. Just make sure that you never sacrifice your morals to get money.