In my days as a college student I have had over ten roommates. I’ve had eleven. I can honestly say I’ve lucked out with every single one of them. Not once did I wake up next to my roommate carving their name into my cheek or trying to sell my liver on the black market. But I will say, I’ve had a lot of friends who have had problems like these. Through my studies I have noticed a pattern in the problems that arise. I’ve come up with three recurring issues and ways to deal with them.
One issue that I’ve heard about from more than one person is that their roommate is unsatisfied with the amount of time they spend together. Sharing a house and twenty four hours of your day with your roommate can leave them feeling unfulfilled. This is not to make you feel guilty about ripping their heart out and feeding it to an infant, but there are some habits you’re going to have to change. For one, stop hanging out with people outside the house. If you have the audacity to hangout with a non-house friend for fifteen minutes in your week why don’t you just bury your roommate alive because they’re basically dead to you. Anyways as I said before, I’m not trying to make you feel guilty even though Satan told me to say hi, but here is what you’re going to do. You are going to kill off all your outside friends so that the temptation to hangout with them is significantly diminished. If it’s not, then you are going to have to find ways to make your roommate feel less abandoned. First, grab an ice pick and stab both of your roommates eyes but make sure you do it the right way or you’ll puncture their frontal lobe and it could be dangerous. Don’t shower for a week or two and then rub yourself all over a body pillow. Give your roommate the body pillow and they’ll have no idea that it isn’t you. If you are the kind of person who speaks then you’ll need to deafen your roommate by pouring acid in their ears. If you are also the kind of person who moves then your roommate might grow suspicious in which case you’ll have to come to me privately for a different option.
The next issue I have heard of is that your roommate keeps kicking you out of the room to have sex with her boyfriend or girlfriend or goat, since it’s 2015. So her boyfriend just came back from a year long mission on Mars. Cry me a fucking river. Does your roommate just expect you to give them an hour of privacy? You’ve tried the cliche techniques of ironing your roommate’s boyfriend’s penis or releasing a rabid raccoon in their bed when they try to have sex but none of these are working. Well I’ll tell you why. It’s because you’re being too respectful. You still leave the room when they are inseminating one another. This time you are going to buy the hockey mask from Friday the 13th. When they start intercourse, walk into the room, and hover over them wearing the mask and breathe heavily. Eventually they will stop because this tends to create an unsettling environment for making love.
The last issue that I’m going to address in this blog is that of having a roommate who always throws crazy parties. Your roommate tries to explain to you that it’s her last month of college and she gave you twelve months notice but unfortunately this just isn’t going to cut it. Does she think this is her apartment? Well, you’re not going to say no because that makes you look bad. Instead, you’re going to take a hammer and wait until no one is home. Now, just start pounding on the floor boards until it feels as though the floor might cave in. Don’t act suspicious for the next few hours or your roommate will suspect something. That sentence was really eloquent. Anyways, when the party starts, lead everyone to the weakest part of the floor. They will fall through the floor on to the one below. Everyone in your apartment and the floor below will be flattened. Not only is it hilarious to watch everyone see their best friends die slowly but you’ve also dealt with your irritating neighbors!
I realize that not all of these techniques are going to work on the first try but just stick with them and they will work wonders. Face it, you’re perfect so if anything is going wrong you can automatically assume your roommate is to blame. If he or she tries to make you feel otherwise, make sure you completely block them out and only focus on how they’ve wronged you. Good luck and please let me know if this works for you!