Hello America. Happy inauguration day! As we all know, Ronald Dump became president today alongside his beautiful model wife who is madly in love with her sweet bloated Dorito cadaver who coincidentally happens to be a billionaire, so we think. He also could have been on the verge of bankruptcy and knew being POTUS would pay the bills. I personally support all his philosophies but for those of you who were misled to believe that everyone was born equal, let me give you a few tips for feeling better about the next four years.
So the first thing is that you could lose that 2017 New Years Resolution weight you’ve been working on since 2011. And it’s not just because we’ll go into another economic crisis and starve to death but it’s also because he can repulse you from eating anything orange. Cheetos? Not anymore. I once ate an entire bag of Cheetos in less than an hour and I had such sharp pains I thought a sharpened blade was gestating in my womb. I thought I could never feel more pain until I started seeing Zonald Mumps on TV. I was confused for two reasons, 1.) Why were my regurgitated Cheetos on tv? 2.) Why was a 6 year old dictator debating respected politicians? At 6 years old I was still trying to remove my entire arm from my nose. The point here is, the next time I looked at a Cheeto, I fell violently ill when I hallucinated Fondle Bump’s face on it right before I put it in my mouth. But it’s not just Cheetos. It’s also orange icing and carrots. But carrots are healthy, you say. WRONG! They give you good eyesight which means you’ll still be able to see Pawnshop Chump WHICH means that you will be repulsed by healthy foods like orange peppers and carrots. If you think my reasoning is circular, I’d implore you to shut up because nothing is as round as you would be in a Sandle Plump-free world.
Second benefit to Mr. Crump’s presidency is that he has engaged a lot of previously apathetic people in politics. I used to be one of those people. When you start throwing out terms like economic policy and democracy, I lose interest. What in the world is democracy? Doesn’t even matter. We won’t be living in one anyways. So when a dainty little pumpkin ogre comes prancing on stage and says “Me want build wall” and “Grab them by the kitten,” my attention is captured. I finally understand politics! And I can argue with people. When they say things like “But Hannah we aren’t technically native Americans because…” then I say “WALL!” And they say, “But Hannah, I don’t know if that fixes the problem because they aren’t disrupting economi…” I say eloquently “HANZ WUNT WALL NOW.” Then I punch them in the face and walk away, dignified as hell because I know I won.
My third tip for feeling better is to grab your loved ones, your enemies, and your neighborhood demon, and hug them tight. Because when you thought that little Billy down the street was a bit of a stinker for torturing baby bunnies in his underground chamber, you realize that he was actually a bit of a sweetie compared to Handheld Rump.
I hope this Hannah Canetti survival kit will help you survive in America. Just remember, that no one has colonized hell yet so if you want to join me, I’m building a machine to go down there and live. The grass is always greener on the other side. And the hellfire is always hotter in the…America.