grow up GROW UP!

Unedited photo of the night

Dear Past Hannah,

I know you’re supposed to write to your future self but I don’t have any clue if I’d receive it because I could get snatched up by a hawk just walking down the street.  I’d then be raised as a hawk and stare at strangers even more inappropriately than I do now.  But my future hawk family isn’t the purpose of this letter.  The point is to teach you a lesson.  I believe you were a little bit ignorant and you should grow the absolute f*** up right now before you get into the real world.  You will embarrass yourself.  Let me tell you about a little story that happened to sweet ol’ me just a few weeks ago.  It could have been months or years ago but the past is the past.  But not for you.  You.gon’.learn.  Without further UHH-DOOOO let’s begin.

It was a dark and stormy Saturday night but there was no precipitation or wind and it could have been Tuesday.  I was sitting in half of my studio while the other half was busy having a five-foot hole in the ceiling.  My roommate, Ari was at the Grammys being gorgeous in the audience.  I won’t ruminate on how I didn’t get a ticket despite being the hotter version of Beyonce.  But in the defense of whoever chooses the seat fillers, it was totally random and a complete coincidence that they needed a full body picture of you wearing tight clothes.  Like I said, I won’t fester in self-pity over how they thought I looked like a dry-skinned tapeworm because it’s time to slither out of my host’s intestine and into the real world.  Where was I?  Oh yes, it was Grammys night.  As I was on my 300th push-up I heard a shot and screams.  I immediately stopped mid-305th pushup, channeled my inner meerkat and uselessly stared at air for 15 seconds.  After the second shot I ran outside closer to the source of the massacre-induced shrieks.  I stood outside and heard it more clearly so I ran inside to call 911.  As I remember the convo went like this:

“Welcome to the 911 Emergency Call station.  How are you?”  -911 Operator

“Good I hear…”

“Great to hear.  Thank you for calling us.  Are you having a good day?” -911 Operator

“Yes but I hear…”

“That’s wonderful.  Life is full of many more good days for you.  What can I help you with?” -911 operator

“Yes, I heard what sounded like a gun shot and screams.” 

“Wonderful.  Whereabouts are you?” – 911 Operator

“-Insert anonymous address here-“

“Sure thing.  So a gun shot huh?” -911 Operator

“Yes.  But also it’s the Grammys so it could have been a party popper.”

“Alright well we’ll send someone right now.” -911 Operator

I thought I made it fairly clear that I couldn’t determine whether it was an explosive or confetti but the message didn’t go through quite as well as I had expected.  I went back inside to finish my thousandth push-ups when I heard a motorized vehicle in the sky.  I knew something was off because traffic in L.A. is too congested for us to have secret sky roads.  I ran outside yet again and saw a helicopter and two police cars.  I had a sneaking suspicion that I may have been the cause of this.  I stared up at the sky and a beam of light from the helicopter turned right on me.  I was comforted by the 30 thousand-volt-search-light publicly acknowledging my irresolution in all its unsure glory.  I looked down and two policemen were staring directly at me.  We had this moment of eye-contact where I telepathically communicated that “Yes it was I who called for this emergency response team over a party popper.”  They came up to the gate and I descended down the stairs into the all-consuming hell flames of my humiliation.  I sweetly greeted them with a:


“Are you the one who called?” -Hot policeman

“Yes.  But it might not have been a gunshot it could have been confetti for the Grammys.”

“Great.  Have you ever heard a gunshot before?” -Hot policeman

“Yes.  At a track meet.  It scared me.”

“Sure.  Where did you hear it?” -Hot Policeman

“No clue.”

“Umm…” -Hot policeman

“ I think it was that way. *points to my best guess*

“Do you know how far away it was? -Hot Policeman

“Anywhere between 1 and 13 miles from here.”

“Okay.  Thanks for your help ma’am.  We’ll take a look.”  -Hot Policeman

“I’m sorry.  This is embarrassing.”

*Avoiding eye-contact and through gritted teeth*  “You did the right thing.” -Hot Policeman

They both walked away as I felt a wave of relieve from the end of my humiliation.  Fortunately my downstairs neighbor walked out and asked me what was going on right as I was running up to flush my head down the toilet.  I explained to him how there was an emergency situation that might also have been a peaceful celebration.  Avoiding eye-contact and through gritted teeth he said “You did the right thing.” 

So all this is to tell you to listen to the sound of a gun-shot on youtube and expose yourself to a sliver of danger every now and then.  This should prevent you from calling the police for every loud noise you hear.


Present Hannah

2 Thoughts on “GROW UP!

  1. You do have a history of calling 911, I recall. This version is better! Love your writing, dear niece Hannah!!! You are so talented!!!

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